Hello World!

I have tried this blog thing before, but I have always felt so pressured to do it ‘right’ that eventually I just gave up in disgust with my attempts. I don’t think I had it straight in my head what I wanted to write it for in the first place. Was it to please others or to get some thoughts out of my head and communicate with other like minded people, bounce some words off the wall, and maybe learn something about myself along the way? Ostensibly, it was the second reason, but underneath it all I kept feeling so inadequate as a blogger. How sad is that?

And maybe that is a better reason than any of the others. Maybe I should blog with the hope of someday believing I am worthy of expressing my thoughts and ideas. It’s so basic, but I really struggle with this concept of worthiness and self-acceptance. No matter what I am, it seems like it’s never what I want to be. I’m 27 years old, and when I look back sometimes all I can see is the smoking wreckage of 27 years of self-civil war.

Once I went to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting (yeah I have a weight problem, big surprise) and I was chatting with a couple of women in the parking lot. One woman was talking about how much she screwed up by having left the program for a few years and gaining a lot of weight. The other woman told her, “Put the bat down girl, we all screw up.” More than anything I want to call a ceasefire. Whenever I get to a point when I’m ready to put down that bat, there is this part of me that thinks I am condoning those parts of me that aren’t working, even though I consciously know the difference between accepting and condoning.

So anyway. I guess this a step I want to take toward accepting myself as I am and moving forward with changes in a way that is respectful toward me. I figure if I go online and write a blog entry and then have to live with my thoughts and ideas being concrete and out in the open, maybe I’ll learn to confront these thoughts and walk away a healthier person.

And if anyone happens upon this blog who doesn’t like me or my thoughts, I will leave it to the reader to move on. I guess I just can’t worry about it anymore. Other than that though, welcome!